Dreaming

If you've read this blog for any period of time, you know that I am a dreamer. Not a wishing on stars type of dreamer, I have very vivid dreams when I sleep. I remember most of them, and used to keep a dream journal, I found them so interesting. I don't have time for that anymore, so now I just wake up and tell Todd about them and hope he can recall them upon command in a few years.

The strange thing is, I have awful dreams about Todd from time to time. This has been happening since we got married. I know this sounds disgusting to some of you, but Todd and I really have what I would consider to be a *perfect* relationship. Call it newlywed syndrome...Call it what you want. But we don't argue. It's not in our nature to argue, really. Not with each other, not with other people. A healthy debate is another thing altogether. And I'm not naive enough to think that we won't ever argue, or that we'll never disagree on things. I'm just saying, the Todd I know is not the Todd I dream about.

So I think that sub-consciously, I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall with Todd. I have to tell you, for those of you who don't know, I've not had the best track record with relationships. I could write a best seller on the situations I've put myself in, the types of men I've dated (or "not-so-dated"), the shit I put up with. This is not to say that I haven't had some good ones, because I have. You always know the good ones when you still keep in touch with them, you're able to maintain a friendship when it's done, with nothing hanging over your heads. At least in the Dictionary of Lauri, that's what a "good one" means. I should also mention that I have very few regrets with the not-so-good ones. I learned from them. I'm better because of them. I raised my standards each time, I got bruised and broken and became stronger from putting myself back together. Without them, I wouldn't realize just how wonderful Todd is.

Anyway, I wake up so disturbed by these dreams. Todd hates it because for the first hour of the morning, I'm avoiding eye contact and giving him the cold shoulder...The dreams are so real that I have to "shake" the things he's done in the dream when I wake up or they'll haunt me all day.

I think I need hypnotherapy or something. Todd has great dreams about us. A day could pass where he does the sweetest things for me, says all the right things (and means them), and I lie down with a smile on my face and a song in my heart that says, THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS MAN! Then I fall asleep and he's taken on a terrible drug habit, or he's a pathological liar. I just don't see how it works.

I dream that I'm pregnant at least once a week. Last night was a pregnancy dream, and Todd didn't show up for the delivery. There were my mom and sister, by my side, helping me through it. And when Todd finally did make it to the hospital to see his newborn son, the baby looked like it was about 2 years old. Still lying in that little bed thing they put them in at the hospital. And he just looked at the baby, didn't want to touch it or didn't care what we named it...He just went outside, where there was a 50 person Gospel singing choir in red robes and swaying to the music.

(P.S. "JESUS" isn't recognized in the spell checker. We're all going to hell.)